


Abstinence

by Fondeyeslester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, High School, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, M/M, Phandom Big Bang, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 12:46:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fondeyeslester/pseuds/Fondeyeslester
Summary: “Okay, so I love you. I love you very very much....” As soon as he said it Dan opened his eyes wide. He knew. “and I think we’re great together, but lately I feel like our relationship,” his voice broke, “It’s like, lately our relationship has been stuck. you know?” Dan nodded slowly. His eyes were watering. “And I feel like when we’re alone we act more like friends than boyfriends, and we never go out and...I,” Phil looked down.“Just say it,” Dan whispered,“I-I think we should break up,”





	Abstinence

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr @fondeyeslester if you want to follow me there

 

When they were together Phil didn’t really think about it. They were on Dan’s bed watching some crappy high school movie and Phil could honestly say that it was as if nothing had changed.  He was focused on the movie until he felt Dan’s hand gently touch his face to get his attention.

“I love you,” the younger whispered as he leaned in to kiss his boyfriend. Phil felt something inside him freeze, but he kissed back.

“Love you too,” and it was true. It really was. They continued watching the movie and making out lazyly for a long while. It was great, they were great.  Eventually they settle into a comfortable silence and cuddled in Dan’s bed. 

“I’m hungry,” Phil said, pouting at Dan.

“I don’t think we have that much food,” 

“lier, you have brownies. I saw them in the kitchen earlier,”  Phil said looking at Dan, expectant. He didn’t move though, and continued to watch the movie. Phil sighed.

“Can you get me a brownie?”  He asked, kissing the other all across his face,

“Ugh, they’re too far away. Don’t make me exercise,” 

“Please! I’m dying. I need sugar, Daniel,”

“ You go get them, then” and this time Dan was the one who kissed Phil,

“You hate me,”

“I totally do,” and Dan continued to kiss him.

Time passed, they finished the movie and began to watch some random Friends episode, and Dan still hadn’t gotten Phil his damn brownie. They continued their position from before, hands exploring the other’s body and legs intertwined, when Phil whispered,

“You know what?”

“What?” the younger answered, his voice low and seductive.

“I want a brownie,”

“Oh, fuck off,” Dan said, laughing. 

“Daaaaaan,” Phil whined. 

“If you want it so bad get it, you absolute dork,”

“I don’t want to,” and when Dan just sighed he added, “besides, your mom’s probably in the kitchen and I’m in my pants,” 

“That’s too bad,” Dan said, kissing Phil’s nose. Phil rolled his eyes. 

So Phil never got his brownie, and honestly, he was kind of annoyed. But it was okay, they were okay. The two boys continued hanging out in Dan’s room telling silly stories and ranting to each other about the things they loved, even when the other had no idea what their boyfriend was talking about. 

“It’s late, I should go now,” Phil said, “I’ll go somewhere where I’m loved and fed,” 

“You’re an idiot, Lester,” Dan said fondly. Phil gave Dan a small peck on the lips.

“See you tomorrow at school,” Dan said just before Phil closed the door,

“See ya,” the other answered. 

\--

When they weren’t together Phil thought about it a lot. He thought about the four years they had spent together, about the fact that they never fought, he thought about what everyone said, that they were soulmates, goals, meant to be. Everyone expected them to be together forever, fuck even a part of Phil did. That was the problem, Phil loved Dan but he had spent his whole teenage life with just one person and he felt like he was missing out. He was sitting on his bed, listening to Muse as he and Dan often did and tears began to leave his eyes. He knew his relationship with Dan was not the same and it really broke his heart, but Phil also knew that a part of him didn’t really care anymore; he wanted to experience new things and to know himself outside of the relationship he’d had since he was thirteen years old. Phil thought back to earlier that day, about how they were so used to each other they didn’t even go out anymore, he thought that even though they had had the house for themselves for a while they didn’t even considered having sex, and he thought about how Dan wouldn’t even get up to get him a fucking brownie. But he loved Dan, he really really loved him. As Phil stared at his green bedroom wall he realized that lately his relationship with Dan was more of a friendship. His heart didn't do the flippy over thing anymore when he looked at Dan, and being together was not fair to either of them. “I don't want to break his heart” he thought.  Phil knew he had to do it, but he didn't want to lose Dan, he cared about him too much. So Phil stared at his wall for hours, crying silently and thinking. It was hard; his emotions overwhelmed him to the point where his minutes, hours, nights were consumed by the thought of Dan. And not even how they used to: a pang of guilt embedded in the tears shed at stupid o'clock as he cried his feelings away, numb with an almost hatred for himself for feeling this way. Phil didn't want to hurt Dan but that long painful night Phil realized he had to think about himself. 

\--

When he saw Dan at school Phil didn't think he would be able to do it. The other boy seemed so happy, unaware of what his boyfriend was about to do. Phil didn't sleep the night before, he'd been too busy overthinking and repeating his speech over and over. He saw Dan from the other side of the english classroom and something inside him broke. As the younger walked over Phil realized he needed to do it. 

“ Hey!” Dan said excitedly and kissed Phil on the cheek as he sat next to him,

“You seem happy,” 

“ I finally beat the Crash bandicoot level I’d been stuck on,” he said, and began a long rant about how he’d done it. Phil was only half listening, too preoccupied with what he was about to do.

The whole day went on as it usually did, with Dan and Phil sitting together in most of their classes next to their friend Tyler. The three of them were walking to the cafeteria, when a girl called Dan to talk about a project they were doing together.

“Are you gonna break up with him today?” Tyler asked.

“God, lower your voice,” 

“Well, are you?”

“Yes…I think,” 

“ You don’t sound so sure,”

“I’m not excited about it, mate,”

“Do you know what you’re gonna tell him,”

“Tell who what?” Anna said as she walked up to them.

“Nothing,” Phil answered before Tyler could say anything. Anna raised an eyebrow but didn’t insist. They all sat together during lunch, Anna was talking about the party she was going to host next week and everyone seemed excited. The day flew and Phil found himself saying bye to his friends. He had to do it, “it’s now or never,” he thought. 

“See you tomorrow, nerd,” Dan said and leaned in to kiss Phil. The older boy, put his hand on the other’s chest to stop him, 

“Wait, uh, are you doing anything right now?”

“Not the math homework, that’s for sure. Why?”

“I, uh. I wanted to talk to you about something,” Phil felt his inside shake as he said it,

“Oh, okay what’s up?” 

“Maybe we should go somewhere more private…” Phil said,and  his voice trembled a little.

“Uh, sure. Are you okay, though? you’re pale,”

“Paler than normal?” Phil said with a small smile,

“I don’t know how you managed to do it, but yes. I think you’re gonna disappear, bub”

They walked to a park near Dan’s house. He’d suggested that they go there, but Phil told him no. He figured it would be awkward to be there after he did it. 

Dan sat under a tree, “So what did you want to talk about?” he asked. They’d been talking about Buffy the whole way there and Phil was having a good time, he always did when they were together. Fuck. They were there already, he had to do it.

“Okay, so I love you. I love you very very much....” As soon as he said it Dan opened his eyes wide. He knew. “and I think we’re great together, but lately I feel like our relationship,” his voice broke, “It’s like, lately our relationship has been stuck. you know?” Dan nodded slowly. His eyes were watering. “And I feel like when we’re alone we act more like friends than boyfriends, and we never go out and...I,” Phil looked down.

“Just say it,” Dan whispered,

“I-I think we should break up,” Dan closed his eyes, Phil continued talking. “and I really love you, and I want us to stay friends, and not like how people say they’re friends with their ex, but like real friends.” they stayed silent for a while. “ You’re amazing, but we’ve been together for such a long time and I guess I want to know myself, by myself...you know what I mean?”

“I, yeah…” Dan said. 

“I really don’t want to lose you,” Phil was crying now, “and I get it if you want to distance yourself from me, but I just, I love you,”

“I guess, I-uh, I get it. and I’ve noticed you’ve been distant lately.” Dan said, “And I do want to be friends with you…”

“Okay, that’s….yeah,” Phil said with a watery smiled. It was awkward, they stared at each other through their tears. Neither said anything for a while.

“So I guess...I’ll go?” Dan whispered. But before he could get up Phil was hugging him tightly and they were both crying. 

“I love you,” Dan said,

“I love you too,” and Phil kissed Dan’s cheek and Dan cried; eventually they parted. 

“Bye, Dan.”

“Bye, Phil,” they hugged one more time before walking away from each other. 

\--

It didn't feel real, Phil walked home in a weird state. Everything was blurry, his chest was buzzing uncomfortably and a million thoughts were going through his head. 

“It was the right thing to do,” he murmured

“It was the right thing to do.” he kept himself together until he got home, he thought about what he just did. Replayed the moment again again in his head, but for some reason it was as if it hadn't happen. It was as if he were watching a movie, the actions and the feelings were there but he wasn't. Not entirely. 

“I'm single,” he thought, after almost five years the seventeen year old was single and he didn't feel all that different. It was the right thing to do.

\--

Dan kept expecting Phil to call, to tell him it was all part of some sick prank so that things could be normal again. That didn't happen.  He sat in his room for hours, staring at his brown wall. 

“What did I do wrong?” 

He kept expecting tears to fall, but they didn't. Dan just sat there; he was trying to understand what had happened, thinking back to all the times he noticed Phil was off but didn't say anything. All the things he could’ve done differently and all the times he disappointed Phil were coming back to him. 

Dan couldn’t sleep that night, he woke up every few hours with watery eyes. He didn’t eat much or talked to anyone. Anna and Tyler both called him way too many times. Dan didn’t answer. 

\--

They saw each other from across the hall, Dan was resting against his locker talking to Tyler when Phil walked in. He hesitated for a minute before walking to where they were.  He began to shake slightly as he got closer, and it was so fucking weird to feel nervous around Dan, “It’s okay,” Phil thought, “we’re friends, it’s okay”. 

“Hey guys,” Phil tried to sound as normal as possible but even he could tell his voice was shaky. Tyler responded but Dan only gave him a tight smile back. 

“So...em, have you guys started the english essay yet?” Phil said awkwardly. 

“I tried but ended up binging drag race instead,” Tyler answered.

“Of course you did,” Dan chuckled, and for a split second everything felt normal. And the group walked to their first class of the day talking about whatever and Phil felt warm inside. Maybe it was okay, maybe things were the same. 

His joy ended soon though; the three boys entered the classroom and Phil took his usual sit without really thinking about it. Dan didn’t. He sat a few rows in front of Phil, leaving the sit next to him empty. And even though Phil’s heart was already broken, and even though he knew something like that was going to happen the reality was a bit too much for him to handle. So Phil spent the whole class looking at Dan, whose eyes were fixed on the whiteboard in a way that was a bit unusual for him. It wasn’t until that moment that Phil realized the consequences of what he had done. All the little things they used to do, the little rituals that they had lost. That Phil had broken.

“You okay, mate?” Tyler whispered,

“It’s just...We said we’d be friends, but he’s like….distant. You know?”

“It’s been less than a day, you need to give him time,”

“....Yeah, ” he muttered before turning his attention to the class. He did make an effort to understand whatever nonsense was written in front of him,but his eyes kept drifting back to Dan, who was looking at the whiteboard and taking notes, he seemed very focused on the class. Phil knew that that wasn’t common behavior for the younger boy.

\--

“Did you talk to him?” Phil asked Tyler as they walked out of the classroom, Dan had left right after the bell rang.

“Huh?”

“Did you talk  to Dan, about ...that?”

“Not really, we just talked about shows and shit,”

Phil hummed in response and the two boys kept walking in silence for a while. They were about to separate to go to their lockers when Phil broke the silence.

“Maybe, em, maybe you could talk to him, make sure he’s okay?” 

“Sure,” Tyler said with a smile, and added as an afterthought, “are you?”

“Yeah, I mean... not really uh, but I will be” Phil really tried to sound calm and casual as he said it, but even he could notice the pain in his voice. 

\--

Phil spent his afternoon not doing his english essay and looking at old pictures from his camera roll. The pictures of their anniversary, six month ago. They had a picnic in the park being  too broke to go anywhere nice, Phil made pasta and Dan cookies which he attempted to decorate. Phil felt his insides shake when he saw a picture of the two of them, it was kind of blurry. Phil was holding the phone and laughing with his teeth, tongue poking out. Dan was kissing him on the cheek and you could see he was trying not to laugh while doing it. The next picture was one he took of Dan, the boy was looking for something and didn’t notice when Phil took it. Tears gathered in Phil’s eyes, so he closed his camera roll and tried to concentrate in his essay. However, ten minutes later he found himself scrolling through his text with Dan. The conversation was mostly talking about food and sending memes to each other. It filled Phil with some kind of nostalgic warmth. It was simple and familiar and Phil tried not to wonder why he had given it up. He read the text as if it were the first time he ever did; he was laughing at the jokes and rolling his eyes at Dan’s sassy remarks. His fingers began to type without his brain’s consent and before giving it a second thought  Phil had sent the text.

Phil: How are you feeling?? :/ 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Why did he think that asking that would be a good idea? Phil started at his phone’s screen for a solid minute before hiding it under the pillow. Nothing. No answer. “He hates me now,” he thought, and even if part of him knew that he was being irrational another one knew that Dan was very quick to love or hate and that Phil was now his ex boyfriend and it would make perfect sense for Dan to hate him and oh god he had really fucked up and Phil was just trying to…

he replied. Phil picked up his phone shaking with anxiety. Fuck. 

Dan: better. you?

Phil: worse than I thought I would 

and Phil was already regretting sending that needy text when Dan’s replied came and crushed him. 

Dan: sorry mate :((

\--

They didn't talk much for a a couple of weeks, Phil would hang out with Tyler and Dan with Anna most of the time, though the four of them would sit together sometimes, so it was fine. Dan would smile at Phil when they crossed each other in the hallway and Phil would occasionally send the other a silly meme or a random animal fact, so it was fine. There were so many things they wanted to share with each other. Stories and thoughts that they held back. Neither of them was used to it. Phil would stare at Dan during class hoping to meet the other’s eyes. Every time one of their classmates said something stupid Dan had to stop himself from making a sarcastic remark at Phil. And they wanted to be friends, but being in each other’s company hurt too much. Probably not as much as being separated did, though. So maybe it wasn't fine.

They were in psychology class, Tyler sat between them. Their teacher was rambling about whatever and Phil was just doodling on the edge of his notebook, half listening to the lecture. Time passed slowly, sometimes one of them would whisper something to the other two. It felt normal, the three of them hanging out the way they always had, and they could both forget about everything for a while. It didn't last long. Phil was in the middle of drawing a shark when something the teacher said caught his attention.

“It also happens during breakups, there are some studies that show that the brain secretes the same chemicals during the early stages of a breakup and when someone quits smoking,” Phil stared at Dan the whole time the teacher was speaking. The younger boy was looking down at his lap, as if it were the most interesting thing in the whole fucking world, so Phil was definitely shocked to hear him talk.

“so it's as if you were addicted to the person,” his voice was soft, it was almost as if he were talking to himself.

“Yes, exactly Daniel,” the teacher said and continued her lecture. Phil, however couldn't really focus after that. A familiar weight settled upon his chest, and he could feel his stomach turning. He looked at Dan, as he always did, and wondered if the other boy was thinking the same thing. 

 

\--

The pain didn’t fade, it settled. A dull ache that both of them had gotten used to. Dan realized that what he missed the most were not the kisses, it wasn’t the hand holding. Hell, it wasn’t even the company. They were spending so much time together that for an outsider things hadn’t really changed. Weeks passed and Dan and Phil got over the initial awkwardness, they were friends. They still sat together at lunch and made jokes that no one else understood. Dan still told Phil about whatever album he was listening to and Phil would still hit Dan with random animal facts. Things _ had _ changed, though. What Dan missed the most were the little details: the way Phil’s hand would brush against his when they walked down the hallway, sitting next to Phil on the bus, and burrowing clothe. 

The two of them were walking out of the art classroom. Dan was talking to Phil about the project he was working on passionately,

“..And it doesn’t matter if the drawings are shit you know? ‘cause it’s part of the concept,” the younger said dramatically. It made Phil laugh.

“Right, right. What was your concept again?” Dan rolled his eyes at Phil’s question,

“ Gender roles are meaningless, basically,” Phil nodded along as Dan went on a tangent about the topic, only to be interrupted by Tyler who was walking toward them.

“ Mario kart at my place tonight,” he said as a greeting. 

“ Is there gonna be pizza?” Phil asked,

“Obviously,” 

“Then I’m in,”

“Cool,” Tyler said, “Dan?”

The youngest hesitated for a moment before answering, 

“Yeah sure.” he said eventually, “ I’m gonna kick your asses,”

“Yaaas hit me Dad,” Tyler joked, which earned him playfully shoves from both Dan and Phil.

\--

“Eat my dust fuckers!” Dan shouted as he, once again, crossed the finish line first.

“I was so close,” Phil whined,

“So close, yet so far Philly,” Dan teased. Tyler laughed along but Phil’s heart shook at the nickname.Why did it began to shake again once they had broken up?  Fuck.

“Want to do another one?” Dan asked,

“Nah mate, seeing you win gets old after a while,” Tyler replied. Phil agreed, so they settle for watching Kill Bill on the couch. They talked all throughout the movie, as they’d all seen it before. A conversation about the movie eventually became about music, and tv shows and video games. It flowed easily, as it always did with them. They laughed loudly. The conversation died after a while, and the three boys settled into a comfortable silence. The movie was over and the sun had set, Tyler’s eyes were beginning to drop when Phil broke the spell.

“What’d you think you’d do if you met your clone?” as soon as Phil said both Dan and Tyler shared a fond look and burst out laughing,

“That’s such a random thing to ask,” Dan said in between giggles, and Phil couldn’t help but notice his little eye crinkles and his dimples. 

“It’s a serious question!” Phil defended,”Like, would you kill it? talk to it? do, em-other things,” “I love how your mind works,” Tyler answered as he rolled his eyes.

“I would just talk to mine, play some mario kart,” Phil went on, Dan pointed at him and stared at Tyler, 

“This guy,” he said, which made Tyler laugh. Phil rolled his eyes and pouted,

“I’d just strangle mine,” Dan said, both Phil and Tyler stared at him, surprised.

“Imagine you walk into a room and you see another you. I’d just freak out,”

“You wouldn’t want to know your clone?” Tyler asked in disbelief.

“Nah mate,” 

“I just can’t picture you choking someone,” Phil said between giggles.

“I’m not very intimidating, am I?”

“I can perfectly picture you choking me,” Tyler said while he tried (and failed) to wink seductively. The three boys burst out laughing once again. 

The next few weeks were weird for Dan and Phil, or rather extremely normal. They could hang out together and tease each other how they used to. Phil felt like he could breathe again. The three boys were attached to the hip, and even if Dan and Phil didn’t spent that much time just the the two of them it felt as if things hadn’t really changed.  _ That’s why I broke up with him on the first place.  _ Phil was thinking about this during lunch period, the three boys were on a table with Anna and a few other kids from Dan’s drama class. They were all talking about musicals or whatever and Phil couldn’t give less of a shit.

“I’ll be right back,” Phil announced, interrupting some Hamilton related discourse,

“Where you going?” Dan asked,

“Just forgot something in my locker,” everyone resumed the conversation immediately and he began to walk away,

“Phil hold on!” Anna said, “I’ll come with you. I gotta, em, get something as well” she stood up and the two of them began to walk next to each other in silence. Once they left the cafeteria the girl began to whisper,

“So, what’s the deal with you and Dan?” and Phil blushed at the question,

“There’s no deal,” and when Anna raised an eyebrow in response he continued, “we’re friends,” 

“Just friends? you haven’t, like, done anything?”

“Not since we broke up,”  Phil said, blushing harder,

“Do you want to?” 

“I mean...Not really. I don't think so,” he had been telling himself that for a while, but something about saying  it out loud made it seem final. Real. 

Anna nodded, but didn’t push the conversation any further. It was Phil, who had been hating the whole thing, who decided to keep it going.

“And even if I wanted to,Dan wouldn’t...I’m pretty sure nothing’s going to happen,”

“You say that now, but just wait until next weekend,” she giggled,

“Why? what’s next weekend?”

“The class camping trip,” 

“Right, yeah,” he said trying to cover up the fact that he’d totally forgotten about it. Anna laughed and continued,

“Literally everyone is planning on having sex the last night,” she said as they got to Phil’s locker. Phil hummed and laughed awkwardly  in response.

“That’s not gonna be us. Never really has, part of the reason why we broke up I guess,”

“I mean, if nothing happens it’s not gonna be Dan’s fault,”

“What do you mean?” Anna rolled her eyes,

“He looks at you  _ like that.  _ He still loves you, I can tell,”  and Phil hated the way her words made his heart flutter. God, he was a mess.

“Do you really think so?” he whispered. The girl nodded with a smirk on her face. Phil got the book he needed and began to walk to Anna’s locker. She, however, was headed back to the cafeteria.

“I thought you needed to get something?” Phil asked. The girl laughed,

“No, I’m alright.”

\--

Logically, Phil knew they would be sleeping in the same tent. They’re best friends and it’s not like either of them has some other group of people to hang out with. Phil knew this, but that did nothing to settle his stomach friday night as the three of them clumsily tried to set up their tent. 

“Phil the thing is upside down!” Dan laughed,

“What? what thing,” 

“The thing with the flappy thing, it’s supposed to go the other way,”  the younger boy practically shouted as he tried to put one of those weird tent sticks into the thing. 

“It’s not!” Phil defended,

“It’s literal-Phil, it’s literally upside down, oh my god,”

“I- I know what i’m doing” he said laughing,

“The side with the flappy thing needs to face up, so you can put the thingy that supports the big stuff,” 

“No! the flappy thing needs to go inside,”

“So how do you support the big stuff, then?”

“I don’t know,”

“What the fuck are you two talking about?” Tyler interrupted. 

“ Dan’s blaming me for our tent’s failure,”

“Makes sense,”

“Hey!”

\--

Somehow the boys managed to set up their tent, and while most of their classmates were secretly smoking and playing games the three of them were laying on the grass looking up at the sky. It was cold and dark and their arms were touching, Dan was in the middle. 

“I feel like we’re on a pretentious teen movie,” Phil said,

“We’re not pretty enough,” Dan replied,

“Speak for yourself, mate” said Tyler. They all laughed, maybe a little harder that they should’ve. They laughed for a while, for no real reason, they’re stomachs hurt and they couldn’t breath. And right when they began to stop one of them would let out a loud snort that would sent them all into another fit. 

Music from another group of kids could be heard in the background, nature was buzzing around them and the boys were quiet. Phil was a bit too aware of the way Dan’s cold arm would occasionally brush against him. 

“You’re cold,” he said in a whisper. 

“It’s cold,” Dan answered, with a small smile. They looked at each other, and Phil realized he hadn’t really stared at Dan’s eyes in a long time. Their shoulders were pressing against each other, hands close enough to touch. And Phil went for it, maybe it was the unfamiliar setting or maybe he was tired from the long trip, whatever the reason, the older boy moved his hand slowly, until it brushed against Dan’s nuckles softly. And nothing happened for a second, it was as if the two of them were frozen in time. Anxiety. Fear. Excitement.

“You, ah,  guys are right, it’s, mmm, cold. I’m gonna head to bed,” Tyler blurted out. 

“Yeah, me too,” Dan said, standing up as quickly as possible. The two of them began to walk immediately, whispering things to each other. 

Phil stood up slowly, his head felt heavy and his heart was pounding fast. He was so fucked. As he began to walk back to their tent he couldn’t help but notice the two girls making out behind a tree. And the group of friends in which a girl was sitting in her boyfriend’s lap, and some other couples who were holding hands and talking among themselves, hiding from the outside world. Just like they had always done. Seeing all that made his stomach turn and his chest ache. A different kind of ache from the one he’d been feeling this past few months. He intended to go into the tent, but seeing all the people around him and noticing the way Dan and Tyler were softly talking to each other, occasionally looking back at him, was hurting him too much.

He ran the other way, back to the grass were they had been sitting. A cloud covered the stars. Phil didn’t cry, he looked up  and remembered all the other times he and Dan had sat on the floor, looking up at sky. He remember how different it had been. He thought about their first school trip together. They were thirteen years old and their love felt new, and different and scary. Phil wasn’t even out to is family. The two boys had sat on the edge of a lake, staring at the sky and sharing shy kisses and light touches. They would’ve been doing the same thing today, if he hadn’t fucked it all up. They would be happy and in love like everyone else, and they could’ve had sex like everyone was doing and…He wanted to cry, felt the need to cry. But the tears wouldn’t come out. He sat alone under the clouds and realized that the only thing he wanted at that moment was to be with Dan, even if they wouldn’t be looking up. 

He walked back to the tent and was surprised to see it was empty. He considered go looking  for Dan but after the hand thing he didn’t want to seem too desperate. So Phil laid on his sleeping back, it was cold and he couldn’t fall asleep. So he just looked up and waited for time to pass. 

“Hey, where were you? you disappeared” Phil was startled by Dan’s voice,

“You too,” Phil answered,

“Me and Tyler ended up hanging out with Tom and those guys,” Phil humed in response,

“They’re cool, though I didn’t really know how to add into the conversation.That’s why I never go outside,” Phil gave him a half hearted laugh, but didn’t say anything, so Dan continued,

“Tyler was great though. I think he and Tom were hitting it of,” That caught Phil’s attention,

“Wait, really?” 

“Yep, I think he went back to his tent with him or something”

“Fuck!” Phil said, laughing slightly,

“Hopefully,”

\---

They barely saw Tyler after that, the blond boy was too busy hooking up with Tom to pay attention to Dan and Phil's not relationship drama. 

So they ended up hanging out by themselves most of the time. They were used to being alone together, it was easy and refreshing. They talked about everything in such a relaxed and casual way, Phil was the one person Dan was vulnerable with. The younger boy constantly felt like he had to explain himself or justify every decision he made. But with Phil, Dan knew there was no reason to hide. 

“I really don't see you as a lawyer, that's too boring,” there was a break between group activities, so the two boys decided to explore the surroundings. 

“Maybe it won't be that bad. I'm good at sassing people,” 

“You are,” Phil said with a laugh, “but I still think you're too creative to wear a suit every day,”

Dan stayed quiet. They had been walking for a while, the campsite seemed small from their point of view. 

“Let’s sit here, I'm not used to all this exercise,” Phil said as he pointed to a big rock.

“I just figured, it'll make me look smart and employable. And like, I could maybe help people.”

“what about happy?”

“Phil,”

“You don't want to be a lawyer, Dan,”

“I know,” he said with a sigh. Their eyes met. Phil's heart began to pound and he decided to shift a bit closer to the other boy. Dan looked away. 

“You could be an actor,” Phil said with a bright smile. Dan laughed. 

“Shut up,” the younger said, and a small blush appeared on his face. 

“You could. And once you're rich and famous you'll have to introduce me to The Queen and buy me loads of video games,” 

“ I don't think I want to be an actor though,”

“What do you want, then?” their eyes met once again. Their foreheads almost touching, Phil didn't realize when they had gotten that close. 

“I don't know,”

Phil's eyes wandered down to the others lips. Dan was looking at him with wide eyes. The sky got dark during the conversation and Phil could barely see the boy in front of him, but he could feel him. Dan's hand brushing against his own. His breath. His warmth. Phil wanted to go for it. He didn't. 

“I think we should go back,” Dan whispered. 

“ But I don't wanna,” Phil complained, 

“ They're probably wondering where we are,”

“Ugh, fine,” Dan laughed and began to stand. 

“Help me up,” the younger rolled his eyes, but extended his hand for Phil to take.  He stood up with the other’s help and began to walk without letting go. Dan took two steps before stopping dead in his tracks. Phil turned back to look at him, and before he could ask what was wrong Dan had let go of Phil's  hand and began to walk. 

\----

“it's like… sometimes I think he wants something. Last night I kinda felt like if I kissed him he would kiss back, but…”

“ But then he does something that makes you think that he doesn't want anything,” Tyler said. 

“I feel so stupid. Like I broke up with him and now I'm like trying to flirt and it's weird and I feel like it isn't fair to him,”

“Do you really want to get back together, or is it just the trip that's making you like this?” Phil stayed silent. They were waiting in line for breakfast and Phil felt like all the people around them were ears dropping their conversation. He hated high-school. 

“ A lot of people are saying you guys will get back together by tomorrow night before we get back,”

“Is Dan one of them?” Phil said bitterly, 

“So you do want to get back together,” 

“ I just want to know what he wants, but if I tell him that may...” 

“Shhhh, shut up,”

“So Dan’s telling me Domino’s is better than Papa john’s and like, can you tell him he’s wrong,” said Anna as a greeting. 

“Food is literally the only thing that gives me joy, don’t test me on this,” Dan said, walking up to the group,

“But you’re wrong!” Tyler nodded at Anna’s words. Dan put his hand in his chest in indignation,

“Why am I friends with you people. Phil, back me up here,”

“Domino’s is the superior pizza,”

“Philip! I thought you were better than this,” Tyler said.

“Me and Phil spent literal years crafting the perfect pizza order, you’re not going to corrupt him,”

“We know our pizza,” Phil laughed. Tyler and Anna looked at each other, rolling their eyes. 

\--

There was a big fire. It was cold, but there was a big fire. Everyone gathered around it for a while, at the teacher's request, but people were begging to drift away slowly. A couple of kids began to play football and some other were singing in a far corner. Tyler and his hookup  disappeared, leaving Dan and Phil sitting around the fire with only a couple of other kids that were talking amongst themselves. Phil's heart was pounding rapidly, he’d promised himself (and Tyler) that he would talk to Dan that night. To say what? He had no idea.

“They're going to end up fucking in a toilet,” the younger whispered,

“Sorry?” Phil was pulled back to reality by Dan’s words.

“Look,” Phil followed Dan’s gaze to Tyler sitting on Tom’s lap, laughing loudly. The familiar ache that Phil had been feeling at the sight of all the couples was apparent in his face,

“ everything okay?” Dan asked him,

“ Yeah, I’m a bit tired though. Didn’t get much sleep last night,”

“Really? I heard you snore,” replied Dan with a laugh,

“ Weird dream,”

“ I had the craziest dream the other night, just remembered,”  his voice lit up at the memory and Phil smiled,

“I think I was in some sort of weird game show thing, and you were there, and like they would ask me stuff and I knew the answer, I mean I don’t actually think I knew the answers. It was more like I knew that I knew even if I didn’t really know. You know?” Phil rolled his eyes fondly and hummed as a response,

“So like I knew the answers, but for some reason I couldn’t say them, and it was so frustrating” 

“That’s literally the worst,” Phil agreed,

“Right, so I think I lost the game or something, don’t really remember. But then we were in like this really big house,”

“But is this like a different dream?”

“No, I know it was related to the other thing I just don’t know how,”

“Right,” 

“Yeah, we were in the house and I lost the game and the walls began to close up on me or something and then I woke up.

“You’ve got some complicate dreams, I just-”

“my head is broken,” 

“I just dream about Chris Evans and his dog,” 

“He has a great dog,”

“the best boy,”

The conversation came to a stop,there was a lot of noise around them. Phil held Dan’s gaze for a moment, teens were playing and shouting. Dan and Phil were quiet. It was cold, what once was a fire in front of them turned into a pile of ashes with a little bit of smoke coming out. Phil was exhausted. Dan looked away, but Phil kept looking. He was shaking.

“Are we going to talk about it?” he whispered eventually,

“about what?” Dan didn’t look up,

“ You know,” the younger boy’s eyes were fixed on his own fingers,

“I-um, I guess we should,”

“I just, I know I’ve been acting weird lately. And I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say here is…” Phil stopped for a moment. Something inside him was shaking. There was a time when Phil felt like he could tell Dan anything, looking at him he felt calm. He knew that when they were together Phil didn't have to hold back. Now they were sat next to each other, not touching, and Phil was so fucking nervous. And he trusted him, so so so so much but he couldn't bring himself to say it. 

“I just, I-fuck, ,”

Silence. 

“ I’ve been, well, you’ve noticed...I’ve been kind of trying to, em,”

“Phil…”

“I miss you, I miss us”

Silence. 

“I guess it’s unfair, I broke up with you two months ago, and I really thought...I don’t know, being here and seeing everybody like _ that... _ ”

“I miss you too,”

Phil smiled.

“But..” 

Fuck. He closed his eyes. 

“ I just got used to the fact that you’re gone. You can’t just come back like that,”

“I was never gone, though” 

Silence.

Tears.

“When I- when I did it, I thought a lot about why I wanted to do it, I guess I didn’t realize everything I was losing,”

“You were right, though…” Dan stopped to take a breath, “We were so, so used to one another, I kept expecting you to be there and then I-I remembered,” Phil nodded, he’d been going through the exact same thing. 

“We were kids when we got together,”

“Literally,”

“ and I just thought...Everyone said we were destined to be together, you know. That we’re perfect for each other,”

“ That’s scary,”

“Yeah…”

Silence.

“ It was like, too perfect.,”

“We never fought,” Dan agreed,

“ But lately I’ve been thinking that… that ending it because it was perfect, that’s just-It’s stupid,” 

“Maybe it wasn’t that perfect,” 

It hurt him to hear it, but Phil knew it was true. 

“We stopped taking care of it….After you- after that day at the park, I spent a lot of time wondering where I fucked up. I think we got so caught up in life that we just...I should’ve taken you out more, I should’ve found the time  to be together. I keep going back and thinking about all the plans we didn’t do. I feel like at the end I only ever saw you in school,” Dan was fully crying,

“That’s the kind of thing we can change. If we try again we can-we could work on that,”

“Phil, I…”

“Being apart made me realize that there is no other person I have as much fun with,”

Dan smiled.

“We could fix it, I miss you, okay. I feel like I’ve been chasing you around this past couple of days, and maybe I’m being an idiot and you’re probably over me already, and I know all of this is my fault, but I want to try again, Dan.”

Silence. 

They sat there, not looking at each other. 

Tears. 

The groups of people around them began to disappear. Laughter could be heard in the distance, but they were alone. Phil wanted to say something, but there wasn’t anything left for him to say. He wanted to run, to hide and cry. He remained where he was. Sat next to Dan. 

“At the park, you said you wanted to know yourself, to see who you were by yourself,”

“ Maybe that’s bullshit”

“Maybe it isn’t,” Dan said, “ It’s always been us. Dan and Phil. I thought a lot about what you said, and I think you were right. I want to find out who I am, live my truth.”

Phil was still crying, but he couldn’t help the smile that crawled onto his face.

“You don’t have to that alone though, not unless you want to,”

“It’s not that simple,”

“Do you want to be with me?” 

“Phil,”

“Please, answer me,”

Silence.

“If you don’t and you’re over me then that’s fine, but say something, Dan. Please,”

“Of course I’m not over you, you idiot,” 

They looked at each other. It was dark. They were surrounded by ashes. They were both puffy from crying and trembling because of the cold. Phil could barely make out Dan’s eyes with so little light. Yet, he could still feel their warmth, Phl didn’t need to see him to know the look on his face. He’d spent four and a half years memorizing that look. 

“Can I kiss you?” the older whispered,

Silence. 

“Just one last time,” he continued,

Dan nodded.

Their lips met,it was warm and sweet and passionate. It tasted salty, like tears, and it felt messy and desperate. Phil never wanted it to end, but it was hard to keep going as he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face,

“Phil?”

“hmm?”

“ I don’t want it to be the last time,”

“It won’t be then,”

“You promise?”

“I swear,”

Dan kissed him this time, he just couldn’t help himself.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on real events from my life and I hold it very close to my heart. A lot of Phil's feelings in this are a reflexion of mine. I really poured my soul into this fic and to be honest I'm really proud of the result. I hope that when you read it it makes you feel something.


End file.
